Some days, some nights
Apr. 18th, 2013 09:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
marchan89It’s nothing like I imagined it would be. Now I feel like I’m living in an organized hell. Endless work, piling tasks, and killer schedule. To top it off I even have conflicts at home where mom never stops complaining what a lazy sloth I am. Quoted her malicious remark, I am living like a princess. Princesses don’t have to slave her days over work. They don’t have to do extra hours unpaid. They don’t have to put up with a mountain of pouring tasks.
True, I may need to organize myself. It’s already mid-April and all I ever do is coming home feeling weary and lonely. I can’t think straight. I even wish I could be sick just so I can have a breathing space and not being reminded by mom what a hopeless bag of bones I am. To be honest, I don’t like this job. I feel like I’m trapped in a system i can’t reform. I feel guilty whenever I realize how ineffective today’s learning is. I don’t want to be here anymore. Even if it means leaving faces I learn to grow fond of.
Fondness is a dangerous thing. I used to think I know my limits but then my imagination overtook the best of me. Everything is so skewed and messed up that by the time a friend reminded me, my heart sank. I was so ignorant. If I didn’t know any better, I would have exceeded the professional conduct of a teacher.
Then, there’s the issue of company. Being a teacher made me realize my role is to stand outside the bubble of students. I can be a part of them but I cannot be like them. So my choice is to stand among the existing teachers yet I cannot even for the life of me reconnect with them. By default I am the youngest in the workforce and somehow I feel so alienated and isolated. They’re nice folks, really but I miss having heads to discuss things and issues running in my head. So I sit there miserably among them, the not so serious teacher yet not so young as the students. I am in between.
Last night ended tragically. My entire day was fully occupied with classes and I had to stretch my stay for a mentor’s circle until 5.30pm. My 9 year old sister who played with my bike locked it and brought the keys home when mom picked her up. I was fuming. It was raining when I walked back. Mom asked why I bothered to walk but I flung my shoes and told her to ask my sister instead. She began another remark of how immature I reacted but I saw it coming. The entire night I stayed in my room, crying against the wall. Yes I was immature, hopeless, and lazy. As I dug my comforting hole again, I recalled so much of her remarks I could only sleep to get over it. Restless. I think I have lived with so much negativity in a lifetime.
Please tell me how can I survive here for a year.
True, I may need to organize myself. It’s already mid-April and all I ever do is coming home feeling weary and lonely. I can’t think straight. I even wish I could be sick just so I can have a breathing space and not being reminded by mom what a hopeless bag of bones I am. To be honest, I don’t like this job. I feel like I’m trapped in a system i can’t reform. I feel guilty whenever I realize how ineffective today’s learning is. I don’t want to be here anymore. Even if it means leaving faces I learn to grow fond of.
Fondness is a dangerous thing. I used to think I know my limits but then my imagination overtook the best of me. Everything is so skewed and messed up that by the time a friend reminded me, my heart sank. I was so ignorant. If I didn’t know any better, I would have exceeded the professional conduct of a teacher.
Then, there’s the issue of company. Being a teacher made me realize my role is to stand outside the bubble of students. I can be a part of them but I cannot be like them. So my choice is to stand among the existing teachers yet I cannot even for the life of me reconnect with them. By default I am the youngest in the workforce and somehow I feel so alienated and isolated. They’re nice folks, really but I miss having heads to discuss things and issues running in my head. So I sit there miserably among them, the not so serious teacher yet not so young as the students. I am in between.
Last night ended tragically. My entire day was fully occupied with classes and I had to stretch my stay for a mentor’s circle until 5.30pm. My 9 year old sister who played with my bike locked it and brought the keys home when mom picked her up. I was fuming. It was raining when I walked back. Mom asked why I bothered to walk but I flung my shoes and told her to ask my sister instead. She began another remark of how immature I reacted but I saw it coming. The entire night I stayed in my room, crying against the wall. Yes I was immature, hopeless, and lazy. As I dug my comforting hole again, I recalled so much of her remarks I could only sleep to get over it. Restless. I think I have lived with so much negativity in a lifetime.
Please tell me how can I survive here for a year.
